報紙有時會帶來驚喜

閱報紙, 當然離不開閱新聞. 但是看報紙, 有時還會看到久已沒聞的名字, 看到了不禁會非常驚喜. 當然, 有時所看到的, 也可能避免不了引起神傷心痛. 今天, 閱報紙看到沈西城先生一篇 "松本清張先生印象記", 驚喜尤如見到故人. 我並不認識兩位先生, 但西城先生很多小說是陪伴愚長大的部份精神食糧. 雖然到如今已忘記了八八九九. 松本先生的推理小說我沒看過幾本, 知悉他的名字, 也許是從看號稱日本通的西城先生那些文字得來. "松本清張先生印象記" 記述西城先生奉電視台要員之命, 到日本訪松本先生商洽小說的版權. 推理小說大師知道來意後, 有感於西城先生的誠懇, 亦嘆於香港作家之生活艱苦, 大師就這樣免費奉送版權! 西城先生聽後固然高興, 但並不同意香港作家都是這般清窮. 因為如此認同, 西城先生自覺好像矮了日本人半截. 於是把香港有名作家的名字嘰哩呱啦了大堆. 裡面當然包括金庸與倪匡兩位先生. 千古以來, 我們自家讀書人都聽過文人相輕這句無情話. 很多時候, 讀書人也亦奉之以行. 而且非常口是心非. 猜測大師為什麼願意送了版權給先生十分無謂, 因為事實正是如此. 因此, 只好相信在這個塵世上, 人生的相交緣份, 偶然也可以非常符合詩人志摩的詩句: 這交會時互放的光芒. 回港初年, 閒來總喜歡在大街小巷浪蕩. 有次在橫街書攤, 瞄到大師的自傳 "半生記"藏在書堆裡, 花十元買下. 大師生於1902 年九州, 前半生幾乎可以用...窮的有腿沒褲子...來形容. 戰後日本百物蕭條, 到了七八十年代經濟起飛, 松本先生已是一代推理小說宗師. 那時候, 在東京大宅裡, 大師接見了比他年輕幾十年, 來自遠方的訪者. 原本安排好的半小時訪問洽商, 談了兩個多小時. 當他們離開那個充滿日本禪味的會客室, 大師親自送出門階, 臨別還殷殷叮囑: "沈先生!你很瘦,要多吃一點才行啊!" 幾十年之後, 先生自謂已心廣體胖. 可惜, 西出陽關無故人, 大師已不復再見.

雷鳴雨夜回溯六四

一生人可以有多少個二十年風華正盛? 朝日照北林,僕僕風塵.星落雲散過後,二十年就此彈走指間. 江河湖水依然如故,只是歲月滄桑,已足夠叫江湖子弟老.而天若有情,天亦老! 悲歡歲月無情之處,是對很多傷痛往事已無暇回顧! 把每道疤痕因由,長埋茫茫心底. 如史冊,置於高閣. 歷史之所以令人霧裡看花,每每是未嘗親身經歷.寒天未嘗飲冰水,莫有一滴上心頭. 可是適逢其會,卻又往往皆是幕幕悲劇.如何駕長車踏破賀蘭山缺? 更何況要勇於想像 笑談渴飲匈奴血? 八千里路雲和月已隨風逝! 然而坦克車聲隆隆長在回憶裡,蹍踐每個未至於心死的靈 魂,雖然如今都已成圖騰,橫躺內心淵谷,但依然等待每次追昔,記念曾己何時耿耿於懷! 雪立殘於門外. 門檻內外原本就是兩個世界.五陵年少之熱血,與久歷江湖險惡深沈熟慮的當權者較量, 自是螳臂擋車.要赤子之心血染這片滾滾黃土由古至今如出一轍.面對心狠手辣冷酷無情, 也就是要他們拋頭顱灑熱血的一刻. 當無數英魂已無名,那有名立在坦克車前面阻擋又不知下落! 縱然以後事實可能水落石出, 甚至坦白翻案.可是目前也認真多指鹿為馬胡說八道.人心底莫測,每在歌功頌德時應驗其 無良. 二十年後在六四前夕,才過子時,響雷大雨夜襲,多少龍的傳人無眠!

1937.................南京大屠殺

1937 容易忘記, 南京大屠殺就必定要記得. 而且有時記起來, 都要帶點恨. 這點恨, 不是要恨甚麼日本人, 他們其實非常可愛. 何況當他們的AV橫掃整個世界, 女主角又源源不絕, 要甚麼有甚麼! 當一眾電車癡男, 如八戒入盤絲洞; 日本凌志直追德國名車; 設計服飾又口味前衛. 國家經歷多年經濟蕭條, 依然井然有序, 默默耕耘. 誰家裡沒有一兩件SONY! 如果要恨, 不如恨他們如今依然公然在公海, 屠殺鯨魚, 旁邊還有待乳的小鯨! 恨…海棠為何不香? 恨…為什麼人家德川之後可以明治維新? 恨…戊戌政變失敗之後, 祖國經歷了多少人為的苦難! 而當我們明白, 我們背負的幾千年文化是有多沈重時, 我們其實都十分無奈而且迷惘. 無奈是茶經一書還在, 對茶道卻又毫無虔誠! 迷惘的是, 說中國文化, 指鹿為馬趨炎附勢的人何其多! 說得清楚, 講得令人欽佩的人, 時常又要小心給人修理. 難怪少年時受志摩際遇的從文先生, 老來要研究古代服飾史去! 然後, 我們才明白, 我們其實已沒了很多優秀的傳統, 比如說:厚道. 是的, 我們還有甚麼呢? 除了詛咒不應受詛咒的自家人外! 現代的行健先生, 才沒好氣這般兒, 樂得在外描水墨上戲劇去! 如果可以恨, 就讓我們恨, 恨鐵不成鋼. 同時讓我們不要恨他們沒有甚麼道歉, 事實上他們是有的. 不過那麼樣的所謂道歉, 任誰看都知是流於虛偽表面. 試看德國如何為二次大戰屠殺猶太人道歉. 而猶太人又是如何爭氣 受得起非常! 道理其實十分現實, 美國會為越戰誠意道歉一話半句嗎? 不論他們協助了越南多少! 當一個 “氣”字...( 比如:氣概風骨) 慢慢在祖國消失, 我們要爭口氣真的不是易事. 當他們的豐田車穿梭中國, 何日我們才有中華牌可以在本州北海道飛翔? 何日他們的黃毛都會樂於嫁到中國! 那天我們的叉燒包工廠在他們國家落地. 是的, 他們的浩二, 那渾厚低音溫柔的細訴歌聲, 曾經陪伴了多少個中國人的晚夜! 每一次聽, 都不禁想, 這把有無比溫柔的聲音, 真是日本人嗎? 是那種日本人, 才會對一個家道中落, 如鄰居的鄰近國家如此狼子野心. 我都是沒有受到他們任何直接傷害的人, 反而以前有個日本友達曾經協助吾不少, 同時, 他們的公仔麵十分滋味, 慰藉我無數次饑腸. 可是每次看歷史, 都要萬分滋味在心頭才收場. .......................... .........................

The ephemeral relationship awaiting eternity

It was long ago, I’d been thinking of writing you a letter. But, after many years, I’ve never even written you one.

It makes me feel like some kind of betises in life. I make a lot of mistakes, most of them I don’t think I should not be regretted for, so I settle and prepare myself to answer for that. Recently, from time to time, I’ve been thinking of you a lot. Once in a while, I would indulge myself to think of you, the scenes of the last episode always haunt on my mind to recall the days you were lying abed.

The neuron illness caused so much damage to your brain, when the despair of your eyes were looking at the far corner of the room, with a hail of screaming sounded like some sort of apparitions from Hades were coming to you. I would grasp your hand and told you: don’t be frighten, if they are coming to get you, they have to get me first. I grasped both of your hands; it was really a matter that had taken me aback in the first time. I felt a cold current ran through my back.

When the neuron expert couldn’t find out what was happening to your brain, I started to realize it would be sooner or later, of the wide world, finally I have to be alone, no one could I turn to, all by myself.

In and out hospital, you became weaker and weaker. I was in the beginning of my career. It seemed a booming future was ahead of us, but you was conquered and defeated by the hand of fate which blew off my entire plan. Might there be another chance could I pay you for a trip, taking you to, picking you up with a Merc at the air-port?

The sense of being helpless drove me much anguish, it seemed it was God who turned me down. If the omnipotence would take my ten years to you, please do so or do whatever on me. By seeing your dilapidated body faded to its bone, could I control myself not to ask for what reason why the omnipresence would not listen to my prayer? It went evanescence.

Everyday when I returned home from work, you were haggard lying on bed; hollow eyes were looking over the windows. A sip of water or juice was all you could take. Life was struggling to survive but it withered in front of my eyes.

As I held your hands in the night when you mumbled words which hardly could be reckoned, the moaning or screaming seemed some kind of spirits was approaching near to force taking you away, then I started to look at every corner of the room and I couldn’t help but pray. Please take me, if you would not take me, please give him a chance and save him, don’t you know I need him? Or are you taking him to the Elysium? But this only means I would have no chance to see him anymore on this wide world!

Nowhere could release me from frustration and distress except to the bathroom in front of the mirror where I looked at myself. I would never shed one more drop of tear again unless the Almighty favored him the mercy that one humble man should get as he deserved. Can this warrant be summoned later?

Everyone lost a father, but was it too soon to let go your hand? It was all in a sudden. Could I have another opportunity to sit beside you in the tranquil night after dinner, with a cigar in your hand, listening to music? It would have no more chance. I would not see you anymore! Not saying my father would see me no more!

And I know, from that time forth, whenever I return home, I won’t have a chance to greet you by saying: daddy, it’s me.

The rising sun. The frozen memory. The summer wind blows. The winter snow falls.

One find day when I could have found you in the eternity of immortality, I would tell you how much I miss you! And we shall go another journey of odyssey with your hand in mine.

.............................................................................. one of my father's favourite song 明月千里寄相思...吳鶯音

The condolences to a passing friend

When we were young, he was the most brave among friends, it seemed that he would prepare to dare anything and afraid of nothing. Once in a day’s journey to Lion Rock Mountain we lost in the maze of rocks, with much bewilderment to know that we were trapped in wilderness amid the middle of Lion Rock Head, seeing no way could we get access down hill but a little hope to continue up, he was the first one to take a challenge, he did always. When he got to the summit, my following up feet were shivering in full motion, with a not too pale face, I hoped, that it even could not be sitting its body down for quite a while.

Certainly he was the first one to pick up girls in our days of puberty. Gosh! Me? I talked bull-shit (excuse me) all the time and acted like a yo-yo school boy, I mean a grade ten in the age of about 20. That was the reason I tried to sneak out with a girl whom he knew initially.

Phew, if she does like you, you go on. Edmund told me.

Of course, she would never like me, especially the way I talked.

Instead of that, we did talk heartily, how many nights, we talked this and that kind of funny stuffs, whatever subjects we could think of over in phone until dawn, if chances failed us to get together. We were both very chatty, but he was so humorous and to some certain extent, very positive.

It was until one night he sojourned in my tiny little room where we encountered incidentally a mouse. Did I almost scream I might not be able to recall, but, yes, we were both made an ass of ourselves. (Forgive my illicit hypothesis, dear friend.)

Those were the days, the famous old song reminds us. Life itself has only limited time; we have to look always forward, constant craving. When time finally comes to drift us apart with the magic hand of mortality, may I have your attention that I won’t be too far away from you. Where ever you may be in heaven or limbo, I will sure be with you because I don’t have any regret in this friendship between us, even if it would possibly dwindle with the acerbity of life cruel experiences. And if ever did I offend you for nine times, please keep in reminiscence ardently might there be one time have I been good to you.

Adieu, my friend, adieu.

.................................................................................. One of the favourite song of Edmund, and us. The Shadows...Apache

............Another favourite song of Edmund, and us.

Autumn

The tranquil early morning is broken by the sweeping sound of yellow leaves. ......01:35:51 09/12/05 Mon